I went to Ireland last summer, as I think you know, and I met a really cool person named Ciara, who I talk to like every day and we're really good friends. She wants to show me around Dublin and all, and I love Dublin and wanted to go.
My stepdad is all against it, because he wants me to save money for college. He thinks its stupid for me to go when I need to pay $172,000 over four years to go to school. He's pressuring me to apply for scholarships, which is okay. I need the focus ... :/
The problem is, he seems to want me to save everything and spend like nothing. He's told me that I spend too much (I go out twice a week to food - actually once now because we're out of habit of going to Chinese on Sunday nights) of my paycheck, and should put more of it in the bank. He says spending $2,000 on a trip "for fun" is ridiculous.
And he's spending thousands of dollars remodeling the house for my mother, so she can have a master bathroom with a bathtub. And he's looking at buying income property. And he's spending hundreds of dollars on his other little house projects. He and my mother have committed to zero cash for my college.
My dad, on the other hand, is all for me going to Ireland, saying I'm only 18 once and it would be a crime to pass up on the opportunity.
My dad, on the other hand, has committed to pay whatever is necessary. He actually said he would empty his account to help me get out debt free. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't believe him. He's used sleezy tactics before to get at my mom, and to hurt her, and has hurt me before in the process (not physically, not like beating or anything, but emotional stuff).
The problem is, I can't trust a word he says. (I am crying right now) He's my father, and so I love him, but I don't know if he's trying to help me now or to hurt my mom.
My grandmother has a $49,000 account set aside for me. Mike is trying to get me to go out and get scholarships, "so that money can't be used to control you." That's absolute bullshit, because I get the damn money when I'm 21 anyway, no matter what Grama says, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she's no longer the controlling cuntbag she used to be, and that she'd help me with it. Plus, his not committing to paying anything I perceive as a threat. If I don't do well, he can refuse to pay me a cent. My mom has said it's because she thinks that if she commits to say $10,000, that my dad would in return give only $10,000. Plus, it isn't attached to anything, so I can spend it on a car or something if I wanted, not necessarily college. I've always trusted my mom with my life, but I think she's feeding me bullshit right now, and has no intention of paying me anything. She should just say so.
So basically I'm afraid that my dad might not give me anything because my mom won't give anything (at least, that's what mom has said he would do), and I'm almost dead certain that my mom won't give anything, because she needs to start investing in retirement funds (she has NEVER saved money in her whole goddam life). The only money I have in certainty is the $18,000/year scholarship I qualified for at Elmira, and the $49,000 that my grama has put aside. That leaves, out of let's say $180,000 about $50,000 left for me. That's more than an entire year's salary for a starting teacher, which is what I will be. Oh, and that DOESN'T include grad school, by the way.
But money really isn't the point. I'm afraid that my two father figures are going to have a faceoff, and that I'm going to get crushed in the middle. My mother has never insulted my father before now, but I think she's going on the offensive to try and avoid having to tell me she isn't going to give me a dime. And I have no freaking idea what my dad will do. My dad used to have a lot of respect for my stepdad, but he in an email today responding to one I wrote him about Mike saying I needed to save said that "I used to like the guy." Which hurt, because I love Mike and my dad, and I don't want them to end up polarizing themselves and forcing me to either juggle them and get hurt or choose a side and alienate the other one forever. And get hurt.
I'm so lost and so confused and I'm sure I'm supposed to know a way out, but I don't and I'm extremely depressed over it.
Honestly, you're one of the only things keeping me going. You're such a cool person, and one of a very few I'm blessed to know.
If you've actually read all of this, my heart goes out to you, because I'm sure you're thoroughly depressed right now. I'm sorry for murdering your mood, but I had to say something. I had to tell someone who wasn't going to accidentally tell anyone from Kennebunk that my stepdad's a prick, because he isn't and I don't want those things floating around with my name attached to them, get me?
I can't wait to see you again, and I hope I just haven't killed your day.