This is an IM convo with oe of my greatest friends in the entire universe. I love talking to her, since we always seem to be the same person in a lot of ways, and helping her out with different problems helps me better understand myself (and vice versa in her case).
The point: I love my Jill and I never ever ever want her to go away!


Jillfayce! says:
i'm killing myslef over this
Jillfayce! says:
honestly
Jillfayce! says:
like i really want to step up
Jillfayce! says:
and do something
Jillfayce! says:
but i can't
Jillfayce! says:
and i keep telling myself i can't
Jillfayce! says:
but iw ant to so bad
You Rawk says:
what
Jillfayce! says:
god i'm driving myself crazy
You Rawk says:
tell your friends to stop being cuntbags?
Jillfayce! says:
like tell her i like her
You Rawk says:
oh
Jillfayce! says:
no haha i did that alreayd
You Rawk says:
ok
You Rawk says:
yeah
You Rawk says:
ok
You Rawk says:
I was wondering
You Rawk says:
if your spine had melted over this whole thing
You Rawk says:
and there was none left
You Rawk says:
ok
You Rawk says:
phew
You Rawk says:
well
You Rawk says:
you already knows what I sed
You Rawk says:
and if you've stood up for her friend
You Rawk says:
she will hear about it
You Rawk says:
and have respect for you
You Rawk says:
for standing up to your friends
You Rawk says:
for her friend
You Rawk says:
I thinks
Jillfayce! says:
i just keep telling myself i have no chance with her though you konw? like that it's pointless. and it just sinks me down deeper
Jillfayce! says:
ugh i hate this
Jillfayce! says:

You Rawk says:

You Rawk says:
bakk
You Rawk says:
hads to get a tissue
You Rawk says:
nose is runnin
You Rawk says:
and my feet smell
You Rawk says:
I IS UPSIDE DOWN!!!
You Rawk says:
haha
You Rawk says:
anyway
You Rawk says:
you is upside down over this deary
You Rawk says:
and it's beginning to make me really really worried about you
You Rawk says:
you is sinking deeper
You Rawk says:
and deeper
You Rawk says:
and deeper
You Rawk says:
and deeper
You Rawk says:
because you is SPECULATING
You Rawk says:
and MAKING the problem you're facing
You Rawk says:
the more you thinks about somehting
You Rawk says:
the bigger
You Rawk says:
meaner
You Rawk says:
nastier
You Rawk says:
and harier
You Rawk says:
it becomes
You Rawk says:
the only way to set this aside
You Rawk says:
and be at peace with yourself
You Rawk says:
is:
You Rawk says:
1. Forget about it (and in my opinion wonder forever what would have happened, thereby taking the coward's way ouy and not actually solving the problem, and also creating another)
You Rawk says:
or
You Rawk says:
2. STRAP YOURSELF UP AND ASK HER THE FUCK YOU AND FUCK WHAT PEOPLE SAT
You Rawk says:
SAY*
You Rawk says:
which is the Jill I know
You Rawk says:
and I'm wondering where that JIll ran away to
Jillfayce! says:
me too
Jillfayce! says:

You Rawk says:
what can happen if you get shot down?
You Rawk says:
short-term
You Rawk says:
angry people
You Rawk says:
will forget about it
You Rawk says:
when the next piece of juicy gossip comes along
You Rawk says:
you don't sound like a really popular person
You Rawk says:
by your own design
You Rawk says:
and so
You Rawk says:
you won't be hartassed by too many people
Jillfayce! says:
i gues i'm just
Jillfayce! says:
afraid of what she'll say
Jillfayce! says:
more than anyone else
You Rawk says:
get over it darlin
You Rawk says:
you'll have to ask a lot of poeple for things
You Rawk says:
in your life
You Rawk says:
and if you're afraid of being shot down every time
You Rawk says:
you'll get nothing
You Rawk says:
and you're too good for that
Jillfayce! says:
thank you so much ryan
Jillfayce! says:
i love you so fucking much
Jillfayce! says:
honestly
Jillfayce! says:
dude this reminds me of
Jillfayce! says:
a line from one of my favorites songs
Jillfayce! says:
by the cure
Jillfayce! says:
its like
Jillfayce! says:
get too scared to jump if i wait too long, but maybe someday
Jillfayce! says:
that's EXACTLY how i feel/how this is turning out
Jillfayce! says:
i waited way too long
Jillfayce! says:
and now
Jillfayce! says:
i'm thinking to much about it cause i've been waiting
Jillfayce! says:
and waiting
Jillfayce! says:
so i'm too scared to take the risk and make the move
Jillfayce! says:
idk
Jillfayce! says:
you know?
You Rawk says:
yeah
You Rawk says:
i knows
You Rawk says:
you just want to swing life away on that little porch
You Rawk says:
forever
You Rawk says:
and forget the world
You Rawk says:
but you can't do that dearest
You Rawk says:
that's why they write songs about it
You Rawk says:
so we can dream
Jillfayce! says:
if you and vicky come on the porch with me i'll be all good though hahahaha and i won't worry about this bullshit
You Rawk says:
I wish we could <wipes tear from corner of eye>
You Rawk says:
just forget the world
You Rawk says:
I don't want to go anywhere
You Rawk says:
I just would be so happy
You Rawk says:
if everything stayed the way it was
Jillfayce! says:
ughi was thinking th atlast night
You Rawk says:
(the only chnge being the frequency with which I saw you and Vick)
You Rawk says:
and there were no cares
You Rawk says:
gorwing up sucks
You Rawk says:
delay it as long as possible and you'll be happier
You Rawk says:
just be sure
You Rawk says:
not to draw inward and become self-destructive by ut
You Rawk says:
it*
You Rawk says:
what I mean
You Rawk says:
is not search for new responsibility
You Rawk says:
and not try to act like an adult
You Rawk says:
act like yourself
You Rawk says:
there's only one time to be a kid
You Rawk says:
and mine just ended a month ago
You Rawk says:
I want it back
You Rawk says:
I remember
You Rawk says:
when I used to play legos all day long
You Rawk says:
in my basement
You Rawk says:
not a care in the world
You Rawk says:
just me, unlimited spaces of time, and Sir Arthur's band of chivalrous knights
You Rawk says:
going around my lego world saving people
You Rawk says:
and doing good deeds
You Rawk says:
My friend Bruce still plays with legos
You Rawk says:
I love being in his little room
You Rawk says:
playing legos with him
You Rawk says:
it reminds me of everything I miss so much
Jillfayce! says:
dude me too!!!
You Rawk says:
of not having to care
Jillfayce! says:
oh my god
You Rawk says:
or make decisions
Jillfayce! says:
i miss it all so much
Jillfayce! says:
or worry abouTANY THING
Jillfayce! says:
i miss that so bad
You Rawk says:
people think I'm so crazy when I say thaty
You Rawk says:
then I ask them
You Rawk says:
do you work 50-60 hours a week during summer?
You Rawk says:
do you have to mediate a denbate between your parents?
You Rawk says:
do you have to balance politics in work?
You Rawk says:
do you have to balance politics on a newspaper staff?
You Rawk says:
are you the only person besides the management your boss trusts, and so therefore are leaned on?
You Rawk says:
do you have to closeread eveyrthing your father's side of the family sends you for jabs at yourself and your mother, and attempts to manipulate you?
You Rawk says:
because that's just a fuckihng fraction of what lies ahead of you
You Rawk says:
LIVE IN THE NOW
You Rawk says:
GRASP AHOLD OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY YOU CAN
You Rawk says:
AND DON'T THINK ABOUT TOMORROW
You Rawk says:
AND NEVER FORGET YESTERDAY
Jillfayce! says:
best advice yesterday
Jillfayce! says:
*ever
Jillfayce! says:
hahaha
Jillfayce! says:
wow
You Rawk says:
BECAUSE YESTERDAY IS IMMORTAL
Jillfayce! says:
ryan
Jillfayce! says:
you are so amazing
You Rawk says:
yesterday lives forever
Jillfayce! says:
never leave me
You Rawk says:
I won't
You Rawk says:
ever
You Rawk says:
I might be in NY in body
You Rawk says:
but I'll be right by your side

Hi all:
I apologize for the recent dramatic family journal entries. It was a way to help me cope, and I thank everyone who listened and made such nice comments. Your support was invaluable.

Ryan,
I AM no longer a "minor child," and have a lot of money that I myself
can bring to the table; about 40% right NOW, actually, and I am applying
for every scholarship I can get my hands on.

If you ever had any doubt I am more proud of you than I can express
in words or deeds. I hope you agree that we haven't treated you as
a "minor child" for some time.

I would strongly urge you not to take my mother to court on the issues
that have arisen.
Going to court will solve nothing; it will, however, spend money that
would otherwise be spent on my college education, especially in my
mother's case. Any legal fees she has to pay will reduce the realistic
amount she will be able to contribute to me. My mom has promised that
she will pay what she can - that is good enough for me. And, if I am, as
Dee says, the most important person in this process, my trust in her
should be enough to make this whole fiasco irrelevant. This move would
be wasteful, stressful (something Dee said she lost sleep over causing)
and in no way helpful to anyone. So let's be adult about this, and
trust one another. I trust that my mom AND you will provide what they
CAN. You should trust me to provide what I can. The point of this, to
be blunt and selfish, is to get me through college without debt. This
very expensive proposition will hurt everyone, and most likely make the
ultimate goal impossible.

We don't think that going to court would be worth the pain and
anguish and might not improve the situation in net dollars. We've
said this to you in the past. Both sides would expend considerable
capital. Consider also that the court is unlikely to act until one
party has failed to meet an obligation.

Your mom has promised me to pay what she can as well. She will
receive ~$14,700 in child support during the time that you would be
at college each year. This neglects to include any expectation of
proceeds from savings she may have made over the last 12+ years from
portions of the ~$20k of child support she has received annually. I
have proposed that she commit to room, board, and books/materials
which total $9500 (this year) exclusive of books/materials. If she
chooses to contribute substantially less than this it would mean
that your child support payments were subsidizing her lifestyle, a
purpose for which they were never meant.
~dad

Hi Ryan,

I just want to reiterate, because although your dad and I discussed it,
it wasn't in his e-mail to you. Your college education will get paid
for. We are just trying to prevent you having any loans from the last
year because we feel that shouldn't be necessary in this case. We said
that before and it hasn't changed.

You should see the snow coming down here! We are snowed in and not
complaining.
~dee

Dad and Dee,
I appreciate your attempts to help me understand the situation, and to try to empower me to make adult decisions.
However, your giving me this information after I have asked for you to stop is not right. There may be something I can do to influence the two of you; however, my mother will do what she can, and me or you badgering her is going to change nothing. Thus, you telling me these things, possibly causing me to think horrible things about my mother, and then possibly yourselves, is totally pointless and actually is counterproductive.
The way I can help ensure that I have no loans coming out of college is simple, and has nothing to do with either you, or my mom. I can apply for scholarships, and keep my GPA at a 3.5. This is how I am going to take charge of my college financing. I have literally no real control over monies in either your control or my mother’s. I trust that BOTH parties will do what they can, I will reiterate, and THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME.
PLEASE stop these emails. If you really lost sleep over causing me stress over these issues, Dee, then stop doing it.
Yours,
Ryan

Ryan,
Sorry, just want you to stop worrying and be happy.
~dee

Ryan,
I want you to know that the most important thing you do each day is your
best. I'm not quoting a feelgood seminar, I mean it. I expect your
best, no more and no less. If things with one scholarship or another
don't work out, its not the end of the world. Many students stress
their way through college, worrying that their parents will be
disappointed, etc. I'm not of those parents and don't want the 3.5 GPA
to be a burden to you. I want you to enjoy the experience, it only
happens once.
~dad

Dad,
And thank you so much for that. The best way for me not to stress about things is not to worry about them. You know, it will be wha it will be. I am not prepared to stress my way through college, but neither am I prepared to pay anything I don't have to. Don't think I'm going to kill myself wit this scholarship thing - it makes me feel better that I can provide something as well alongside what you, Grama, and Mom are going to contribute.
Thanks so much. Really.
Also, I did send Grama an email. I fwded the email my dear uncle sent me to her, and don't believe she never replied. I hope she replies to this one.
You have a good rest of your day.
Love you.
Yours,
#1Son

Ryan,
Did you go to (insert bad word) school today?
~dad

Dad,
I did not, because of the (insert bad word here) snow!
~ryan

Hi Ryan,

I assume that your dad told you about the DVD. I also found the Zippo
lighter a couple of days ago and put it with the DVD.

I did check that student-home version of MS office, and it doesn't
expire like all of the student versions of the really expensive software
I'd like to buy for school. You should definitely get it when you get
to school. That one version should last you through all four years.
Let me know if you want a tutorial on any of the programs you aren't
familiar with. Actually, you are probably a wiz at all of them now.

If you feel pressured to get a laptop, let's talk. It seems everyone at
school owns one, but they rarely bring them in except for certain
occasions. We can discuss why and the differences for your education,
plus how often they crash and get stolen.

By the way, from the history I have put together (found more after
talking to you), your mom has benefited greatly from her partnership
with Mike. He might not be the wage earner that your dad is, but he
seems to be shrewd as far as real estate (or perhaps just lucky), but
more importantly, I think that he is able to stand his ground better
than your dad. Your dad was unable to say "no" to your mom and their
financial situation was not good and hadn't been for years when they
separated.

The point of all of this is that you don't need to take care of them.
They do a darned good job on their own. We all have bad years due to
job losses, illness, etc. But we get back on our feet, and in 6 months
or so, we are back on track.

--
Deirdre (Dee) Hall
T&D Hall Associates
(978)922-8409
[link]

Hi Dee,
Thanks for letting me know about the Zippo. I think I'll pick it up when I come down to work for Senator Obama on Super Tuesday or the weekend before, along with the other stuff.
I don't think you understand what the pressure of your insistent requests, demands, and information divulging is doing to me. It is placing me between two sets of people that I care about, trying to find a way to please both. It is using me as a tool to fight your battle for you; your fight is an adult's fight between yourself and my mother. I have no place in this fight. It is causing me such emotional stress that I am losing sleep, and my personality has been noticeably different to people who know me well.
There is nothing I can do to influence either party, one way or the other. There is no purpose to your continuing to use me as a playing piece, unless you wish to continue causing me pain, which I do not believe is your intention.
I would like this bullshit to stop right now. I am tired, sick, and physically ill over the stress you and my father have put me under.
I think you might now understand why I come down to visit so infrequently; each time I leave very distressed and unhappy.
I hope you understand what you were doing to my head in the past few months, and will desist.
Sincerely yours,
Ryan



Dad,
I am taking responsibility for my education by working on what I CAN influence, and that is scholarship applications, and keeping a 3.5 GPA so I earn the Pres. Scholarship; I truly have no influence over how much money you or my mother give me, and it has been bothering me very much that I was trying to work with something that was not responding. First, I attempted to find out how much moeny was under my social security number, and your side of the table was unsure of the amounts there, or neglected to tell me. Then on your bidding I attempted to find out how much money my mother had, and have been told that she herself is unsure. So I am from hereon in giving up dealing with either side when it comes to how much money is being put on the table; that is the decision and perogative of yourself and my mother, and I truly have no power in deciding what it is, can be, or will be. I will focus on putting as much on the table as I can personally, because it is my education and my future, and therefore I should be working harder than either you or my mother to make sure it happens with as few kinks as possible. And, if you happen to have enough money to almost cover me through college, there is grad school to consider. I'd like to be able to come out debt-free from that as well, and maybe even have some rent money put away for when I get an apartment, hopefully with some friends somewhere, where I get my first job.
I probs already have a fall-back point; Tia is getting an apartment in Portland, and Kennebunk is a place where I am basically guaranteed a job (as an English-Latin certified teacher that I hope to be, and as an alumnus) so I could start off there. I don't know if I told you, but when I was talking to the superintendent after interviewing him for somehting for the RAMPAGE, he asked after what I was doing, and basically told me that as an alumnus I am almost guaranteed a job. True, he probs would only pay $38 grand/year, but it's a start, and cost of living in Maine isn't as ridiculous as in some places. I could live either in Portland or the Kittery area (thereby shopping in NH) and try to do what I could. I do have plans, you know
I'm going to Ireland in April. Period. The plane ticket cossts $500 round-trip (about 5/8 of the summertime cost) and hostels are probs around $30-40 a night, so in total for 10 days we're talking between $800 and $900 for staying, and probs another $250 ish for food (prices are higher in numberover there than ours, and the money costs more - yikes!).
Anyhow, hoping you're having a wonderful weekend, and I'll talk to you soon.
~ryan


Ryan,

First and most of all, I am really sorry. I never meant for you to feel
bad in any way. I feel terrible. After reading your email I was unable
to focus on anything, including the Patriots playoff game, and falling
asleep was really difficult and took several hours.

I wish that you had said something much sooner, but reading your e-mail
I see words and language that is almost from a completely different,
more mature person. Perhaps this is the medium under which you can
express your true feelings more easily. Maybe I should have emailed you
sooner. Whatever. I am sorry that it went on so long without you
saying anything. You should always feel free to say something. Your
feelings are as important as anybody else's, and we don't want to stress
you to that point.

You are not a playing piece. You are the most important person. You
are the only one that matters in this situation. You are the one going
to college. You stepped up and started asking questions about what was
saved and we were happy to give you the information. We were proud of
you. I was hoping that you were feeling empowered, not manipulated.

You aren't a child anymore. I think that you can easily see some of the
benefits of being an adult, and you also see some of the drawbacks. You
say you can do nothing to influence either party. This is not true.
You are already influencing your dad and I. So we are now leaving you
out of it. Your mother hung up on your dad again, so we are now going
to court. It will drag on, it will be stressful and expensive for
everyone, it will be embarrassing for your mom, and in the end, she will
still end up paying for part of your education. We have been through
this dozens of times. The difference this time is that you will be
there to see it because you are no longer the "minor child."

On the plus side. Being an adult is much better than being a child,
even with all of the stresses. Not being told what to do, when to do
it, how to do it all of the time is great. Having your own place that
you can decorate your own way is really great. I liked being an adult
from the very beginning and never went back, and my parents were very cool.

The stresses? Generally you can choose them by choosing your lifestyle
and who you are going to share it with. Right now you haven't gotten to
choose either yet. Actually, I take that back, you have chosen your
classes and other activities which are part of your lifestyle. This
spring if you choose another job, that could affect your lifestyle, but
the big change will come in the fall.

College is a blast. To be in a place like that with a bunch of peers
able to focus on school work and a few other activities is a fabulous
way to grow into adulthood. It's relatively safe with most of your
essential needs provided for. Your never bored, and there is as much
socializing as you need. It's going to be so weird when you are
researching art history papers at the same time I am.
~dee

Hey dad,
I would strongly urge you not to take my mother to court on the issues that have arisen.
Going to court will solve nothing; it will, however, spend money that would otherwise be spent on my college education, especially in my mother's case. Any legal fees she has to pay will reduce the realistic amount she will be able to contribute to me.
My mom has promised that she will pay what she can - that is good enough for me. And, if I am, as Dee says, the most important person in this process, my trust in her should be enough to make this whole fiasco irrelevant.
This move would be wasteful, stressful (something Dee said she lost sleep over causing) and in no way helpful to anyone.
I AM no longer a "minor child," and have a lot of money that I myself can bring to the table; about 40% right NOW, actually, and I am applying for every scholarship I can get my hands on.
So let's be adult about this, and trust one another. I trust that my mom AND you will provide what they CAN. You should trust me to provide what I can.
The point of this, to be blunt and selfish, is to get me through college without debt. This very expensive proposition will hurt everyone, and most likely make the ultimate goal impossible.
And I still love you, okay.
Yours,
Ryan

***
I am assuming there is more of this bullshit yet to come
Keep your eyes open lol.

Hi Dee,
Thanks for letting me know about the Zippo. I think I'll pick it up when I come down to work for Senator Obama on Super Tuesday or the weekend before, along with the other stuff.
I don't think you understand what the pressure of your insistent requests, demands, and information divulging is doing to me. It is placing me between two sets of people that I care about, trying to find a way to please both. It is using me as a tool to fight your battle for you; your fight is an adult's fight between yourself and my mother. I have no place in this fight. It is causing me such emotional stress that I am losing sleep, and my personality has been noticeably different to people who know me well.
There is nothing I can do to influence either party, one way or the other. There is no purpose to your continuing to use me as a playing piece, unless you wish to continue causing me pain, which I do not believe is your intention.
I think you might now understand why I come down to visit so infrequently; each time I leave very distressed and unhappy.
I hope you understand what you were doing to my head in the past few months, and will desist.
Sincerely yours,
Ryan